Deviant Login Shop
 Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

:iconstarhavenstudios:
First of all, I can relate to some of your instances you mentioned here: the mother trying to make you wear "appropriate clothes" for a teen girl, the feeling that you have shamed the family because you feel you're "not normal", the feeling of shame that you can't be perfect no matter how hard you try.

But I think this prose would benefit more if your statement, "I'm sorry. So ever sorry," would have a paragraph itself. The repetition of feeling ashamed of yourself and apologizing shows more emotion on its own. It's like those prayers in church, the ones that repeat, "Lord, hear our prayer" after every paragraph.

Also, proofread. I actually have spotted some grammatical errors. For example, "though there's nothing I can do but to reap it's advantages". Here, you would use its, as a pronoun, whereas it's is a contraction of "it is".

Overall, this is a powerful, emotional piece.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconcassiecros13:
CassieCros13 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Student Writer
I like that idea, it being a paragraph in itself. The reason I didn't do that was because I tried to make it seem like more of an afterthought, or a trail off of the narrator's thinking. I'm at first hesitant on changing things, but I just need to take the realization that it's only for the better. :)

Thank you for catching that grammatical error, I've fixed it. Thank you for taking the time for this critique and have a merry, blessed Christmas. :hug:
Reply
Add a Comment: